Alastair is Drowsy!

Hey everyone!  I have been gone for awhile, but it is only because I've had a fabulous opportunity to work on this show called The Drowsy Chaperone at Buck Creek Players!

It is this awesomely riotous show that started out as fun for a bachelor party!  You should come see it - it's 90 minutes of laughter with gangster pastry chefs that sing and discover their jazz hands, a young naive bride and groom with little to no common sense (come on, he roller skates blindfolded!) a drunk chaperone and her amusingly narcissistic Latin lover, and many other fun characters! The Ensemble is amazing too, weaving together all the plots and locales with stylized movements.  Oh, and who knows?  There may even be pirates! (ok, there are no pirates). All of this, tied together by the man who resides in the apartment - this close little reclusive world in which all the action takes place!   I get to be part of that world, even if just for a few nights, and have one of the best seats in the house.  You can find me as part of Man in Chair's apartment.  As for where, you'll just have to come and check it out.  Only two weekends left and seats are limited, so get your reservation in ASAP!  From where I'm at, I can tell you that the audiences have gone wild!  All that laughing, interacting - and standing ovations!  To see the amazing and glamorous talent, reserve your spot HERE!  Now, who's my little monkey?!

Alastair Goes to the Farm!

Alastair had his first trip to the farm! He was excited and nervous and full of wonder! It was quite a start to the day when he didn't even wait for me and Ken to get everything in the truck and ready to go!

Alastair couldn't wait to see what the day had in store for him! He took off toward the barn, his tail feathers flitting in the breeze behind him! We found him on a stack of hay, patiently waiting to see the calf!

Look at the beautiful calf! Alastair was totally in love with the cute red and white hereford baby! "He is so tiny, but already bigger than me!" said Alastair.

"Hey, what's that beast?!" Alastair gawked in amazement. Why, that's the bull! Another male, preening like you Alastair. Not to be out done, Alastair gives his best imposing impression!

Now, it wouldn't be a complete visit to the farm without driving the tractor!

With the wind whipping through his head feathers and his beady eyes looking left, then right, then behind - Alastair is off! Drive Alastair! Drive!

Alas, the day had to end. Boo! Alastair and Ken climb into the truck and say goodbye to the farm, with the promise to return another day soon!

The actual drive to the farm isn't without its perks. Alastair got his first drive-thru experience on the way home for some diet soda. The cashier at the Arby's was as suprised as Alastair was!

It is always a good time and we hope to see everyone sooner than later!

My First Recital!

Ok, so I'm learning to play the alto saxophone and the piano. So far, the saxophone is the easiest because my stiff bird toes aren't quite agile enough to play with any amount of grace and, let's face it, Heather needs to get that piano tuned! It sounds like I'm playing all the wrong notes because it is easily a half step off!!

Anyway, I thought I would start out easy with Greensleeves. I was so nervous playing for you, but could hide it in the natural vibratto of the piece and show off my clear and awesome tone.

Not that this was appreciated by others in the house. Leo is so dramatic! Despite my on-point intonation and crystal clear tone shining through the mid-afternoon air, he quivered - he sighed. He slunk under the bed and put his paws over his head! What an uncultured fiend! Belle was more supportive, but she didn't faint and pass out with accolades. She didn't even acknowledge my progress. All she could do was sit there and stare - varying her gaze between me with my gleaming brass and Ken.

Thank you for your time. I continue to work toward this endeavor. Yes, I take requests! If you let me know, I will strive to make your musical dreams come true!

A link to my YouTube Debut is: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ErxYGuI7GOs&feature=youtube_gdata_player

Ask Alastair! Valentine's Day Edition

I am honored and pleased to have this opportunity to join my readership for Valentine’s Day. It is a fun time to celebrate the love in our lives – family, friends, spouses, partners, pet companions – whoever gets you going and brings light into your life. Since this day falls in the middle of a work week, I promise to keep this short and sweet so that you can get back to making your husband dinner, buying your wife flowers, giving your honey hen a much needed foot massage (here’s trying out my telepathy….Ken, Heather would love a foot massage…Heather would love a foot massage…)

Also, the picture to your right is a ring-necked male pheasant, like myself, calling out to his harem or hen. STELLA! STELLLLLLLLLAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!

Anyway! A couple questions have been brought to my attention that we need to tackle on this day of love. Hopefully, I can shed some light on the matter and make your day and your connection with your honey hen or rooster all that more divine.

1. My rooster/hen and I have been together for (insert howevermany) years. I cook, I clean, I slave. I’m partner, parent, pep squad. It is absolutely exhausting and he/she wonders why I don’t have the energy to have fun when we are together. How do I get my rooster/hen to help around the house?

See also… Why does my rooster throw his dirty clothes on the floor…NEXT TO the laundry hamper?!

This is one that I don’t have an immediate answer for, but had some fun researching. I asked a few roosters if they threw their clothes on the floor and if yes…why? I will share some of those answers here, but will not disclose which roosters contributed to them in an effort to protect the guilty!

ü Because I have hardwood floors and it is cheaper than buying an area rug!

ü Because the “maids” need to feel needed.

ü Because I was going to wear that again! If I put it in the hamper, it means it needs washed. If I put it on the floor, it means that it can be worn again!

ü Because my mom pampered me when I was a kid and my wife should do the same (I believe this one actually said “she’s my new mommy”).

ü Just because. This unnamed male actually asked me why a woman would even ask this question because he didn’t understand how picking up his dirty underwear off the floor was any different than picking it out of the laundry basket. I couldn’t help myself and responded that she wouldn’t have to bend over to pick it up and that she doesn’t necessarily have to touch it coming out of the basket because she can just dump it into the washer.

ü Because I just don’t care (about myself, about my partner, about our home, etc.)

Since I myself do not have the answer to this (other than that it is just sheer laziness), I decided to Google to see if I could find some scientific data on the matter. While nothing official and scientific came up, I was amused by an article on the matter that was posted to howtocleanstuff.net. This particular article said that getting your rooster to help out around the house (or pretty much do anything you want) can come about in a 3-step process or it would never happen. This process is rooted in the belief that roosters have 3-basic needs: Sex, Food and Audio-Visual Escape Mechanism (AVEM - TV or Video Games). It is also rooted in the 3-step strategy of barter, threaten and withhold any/all of these basic needs.

If I understood the process correctly, it goes something like this:

Step 1:

“Honey Rooster – if you take care of the dishes in the sink, I will do that thing you like in bed/make your favorite meal/let you play Call of Duty all day Saturday without complaint or interruption.”

If that doesn’t work, Step 2 is:

“Honey Rooster – if you don’t get your shoes out of the middle of the floor before I trip on them again, I’ll be wearing my Laura Ingalls nightgown and granny panties to bed/won’t go to the store and get your tasty snacks/put your Xbox in the AmVets donation pick-up this week.”

If that still doesn’t work, Step 3 is:

“Honey Rooster – if you don’t sweep the kitchen floor already, we’re never having sex again/you’re never eating again/I’m running over the 60-inch flat screen plasma TV with the Jeep!”

While the article was an absolute riot, I would say that – if you have to resort to this crazy theory – stay away from “withholding”. It never turns out the way we intend and makes things a whole heck of a lot worse. Unfortunately, it appears that it’s a shame we may have to live with this quirk from our partner. You don’t have to like it – or even tolerate it. Ultimately, your unhappiness will wear on the relationship and the issue will be forced to resolution – one way or the other (even if it is just to “get used to it”). See #2 for more on the matter.

2. How do I keep my rooster/hen happy?

For starters, see the answer to #1. Pitch in and help out. If you see your honey hen/rooster doing dishes, get up off the nest and offer to dry and put away. Surprise him/her by scrubbing down the toilet after you’ve done the unmentionable in it so they don’t have to clean up after your stanky behind (don’t forget to wipe down the toilet seat while you’re at it). If there is a stack of your laundry lovingly folded nice and neat waiting for you on the bed – put the clothes away immediately and without complaint.

Take time to notice how your partner is doing in life and figure out how you fit into what they are feeling. I had lunch with a group of women I greatly admire a few weeks ago and one of them told us that periodically she engages her husband in a conversation that starts out with “what can I bring to our partnership that would make life better for you?” The last time she asked, after some time and soul searching, he came back with the answer that if she could be on time when they had plans, he would greatly appreciate it and it would alleviate a great deal of stress. I asked her how that was going for them. She said that it is a constant challenge, but she respects that this is a source of stress for him and she has consciously made changes to her routine so that she does not keep him waiting or make him late for functions and outings they attend together. She also admitted that it was about time for her to initiate that conversation again…

Ultimately, the key to a satisfying and full relationship is to be a true partner. The hen/rooster in your life is not a convenient substitute for your mother. Heck, even your mother shouldn’t have absolved you of all responsibility, coddled and spoiled you! Show your hen or rooster that you value and care about your relationship. Show them that you have pride in the home and life you’ve built together. Pay attention to and do the little things along the way to show that you do not see your hen or rooster simply as housekeeper, cook, babysitter and/or counselor. Give back as good as you get. It will be amazing how much time and energy your hen or rooster would now have to go have fun as a couple – how much easier your partner will smile and let his/her feathers fluff down – when they aren’t living each day to prove they can “do it/be it” all!

Also, do not forget to display your gratitude. This hen/rooster loves you, cares for you and chooses every morning they wake up to have a life with you. Never forget that each day is a new day to make that choice (or to not make it). Say “please” and “thank you”. Say (and show) that you appreciate him/her. Take a moment every day to make sure that he/she knows just how much you love and respect them.

It is also important to spend time together. In this, it is not as much about the quantity of time you have together, but the quality of time you have together. Take opportunities to do something he/she loves to do. Take your chance to share activities that you like to do. Go out of your way to find activities that you like to do together as a couple. Get out of the house – blow some stink off that dusty old partnership! Take a walk together, go catch dinner at a quiet restaurant where you can talk or visit the local bowling alley to toss some of that life frustration down the lane. Stay in the house – wrap up with your honey in a blanket and watch that movie you never have time to see, sit on the porch and swing sipping a glass of wine together as the reel of life passes by or make a concentrated effort to make a meal together and share it over some smooth jazz and candle light.

It is very easy in the hustle and bustle of life at work, with family and daily responsibilities to lose sight of connecting with the one you love. Relationships are work. Hard work. It also requires that both members of the relationship contribute to the partnership and have their heart in the same place. Don’t forget to take time out for frequent “pulse checks”. Ultimately, every relationship is different and the “how to” keep your partner happy will be different from one couple to the next. However, if you keep the love, respect, compassion and consideration in your lives, you’ll have an awfully good start toward that end. This Valentine’s Day, make the commitment to re-commit to your relationship and to your partner. Celebrate your life and love every day. It is a very special thing!

Thank you for taking time out of your special day of love the tune in to Ask Alastair! Valentine’s Day Edition. May your day be filled with love and hope.

Alastair's First Super Bowl!

While the weekly update is a few days late, it was all because Alastair was so stressed out planning his Super Bowl party to celebrate the game here in Indianapolis between the New York Giants and the New England Patriots. While Alastair is a diplomatic little guy, he did his fair share of molting under the stress of rooting for NY! In fine style, and with immense help from his friend Angie Heitman, Alastair was happy about the spread put out for the party. Bacon and crab stuffed mushrooms, meatballs, hot wings, cheese sticks, veggie plate, guacamole and sausage queso dip - and LOTS of brownies, cookies and pie!

As homage to the honor that Indianapolis had in hosting the Super Bowl this year, Alastair would like to share some "fun facts" about this past week here in Indianapolis:

1. This is the first time the Super Bowl has ever been hosted in Indiana.

2. Indianapolis is the northern most City to host the Super Bowl (other than Detroit). Shocking that Indianapolis got to host the Super Bowl before Chicago!

3. Only fifteen (15) cities have hosted the Super Bowl in its 46 year history. Indianapolis is ONE LUCKY CITY!

4. Alastair has not had peace to sleep lately - living near the airport and witnessing the traffic, it is no surprise that 90% of those attending this year's Super Bowl flew to the Indianapolis Airport to get here!

5. Super Bowl Ads are part of the fun. Alastair had many favorites (including the M&M Ad and The Voice ad with Betty White coming in a close 2nd and 3rd), but his favorite was the Dodge Ad with Clint Eastwood. It is half-time America! http://www.freep.com/article/20120205/BUSINESS0103/302060003/Chrylser-Super-Bowl-ad-Clint-Eastwood-halftime

At the end of the day, it was a fun ride and a fun party, but it will be nice to fade back into a quiet midwestern existence. Thanks for visiting everyone! Hope you enjoyed Indianapolis and loved it as much as we do!

Alastair is currently working on his Valentine's Day Edition, featuring "Ask Alastair" advice on keeping your harem happy, things to do with your honey hen and surprises he has seen here in Indiana along the way!

Ask Alastair! Dinner Edition

Alastair is having to earn his keep! Part of that is answering questions as part of "pheasant education" or your questions about life and problems in general! Amazingly, he is a good listener. Please feel free to submit any questions. Take a spin on his couch and let him help you explore why men don't call you back for days after a date...why your mother stalks you on Facebook...why he has a harem!

This week, since the column is new, Alastair will address his first question which had to do with being a pheasant. Scott from Indianapolis asks, "what do pheasants eat?"

Well Scott, we appreciate your thoughtful question! Pheasants are omnivores (we like meat with our salad) and their diets are very similar to turkeys. Generally, pheasants eat seeds, young shoots, berries (when in season) and insects. You may also find pheasants rooting and scratching in the fields. This is not some funky tap dance...they are digging up roots, bulbs, tubers and other underground vegetation for their supper. While Alastair likes to belly up to the bar and hang out with the guys, you will not find him drinking with them! Pheasants stay hydrated on moistrue from eating insects and the morning dew on the vegetation that they eat. Also, hens and chicks have different dietary needs than roosters. Hens seek out calcium and protein sources in their diet during egg laying. A hen's diet contains up to 10X more calcium than a rooster's. Chicks require more protien during their rapid growth period and survive mainly on insects.

Advice to Roosters (men) from Alastair: Valentine's Day is coming soon. If you want to ensure that you have a solid harem of hens, make sure that you look good, your colors are bright - and seal the deal with a heart-shaped box of crickets for those special ladies in your life!

Alastair's First Order of Business - Getting a Bath!

While (in)patiently waiting for Alastair to go up on the block for auction, my mind was racing with all the fun adventures and stories that could be shared if he were to join the Johns household. Ken continued his "we're not getting a dead bird...we're NOT getting a dead bird" mantra and there were other bidders hanging out for the opportunity to bid on the small bird collection. However, there was something about this bird - this pheasant - that I just couldn't imagine leaving behind without trying to bid on him. There were a couple other birds up for auction before him - a beautiful grouse set with it's wings open and a female pheasant that looked absolutely frozen in terror for all of eternity. These birds went for an outrageous sum and I feared that Adventures with Alastair was a lost dream before it even started. Finally, Alastair was brought up on the block and the Amish auctioneer lauged that he wondered if I was going to bid on anything that day when I got out of my seat and moved forward with my deliberate intent to provide some competition to the seasoned antique buyers. Ken kept up with his loud whispers about my bid cap and finally went back to his seat with the belief that he didn't have to worry about carting a stuffed pheasant home because the other bidders would eat me alive. He started out at $200, then $150, then $100..."come on, can't someone give me $50" the auctioneer shouted. I looked around and others started itching with their bid cards. I knew it was just a matter of time - everyone was waiting for that $25 opening offer. "Well, can you give me $25?" My card shot up sure and high - along with 5 others! What? Come on - he was a stuffed pheasant with a notch out of his tail and wild yellow eyes! Oh Lord, just let me have this one already! It came down to me and the man who bought the other two birds. If he was in for as much as he paid for the others, I was out of the game already. Ken came forward and reminded me of my bid cap - again! It went back and forth in $10 incriments. I was pushing my cap. Ken reminded me again when I came within $15 of my cap. I had only one bid left before it was all over. The auctioneer looked at me to raise. I was in for my last "yuup" before the game was over. The fates, the Lord, whatever you believe beyond this world was in my favor this day with every intent to link Alastair to our home because the auctioneer yelled "SOLD" before I even had my hand all the way up! The other guy looked around and waved his card. The auctioneer said "I'm selling this to you - you've been waiting for him all day!" Within 10 minutes, Alastair was being escorted by Ken through the main exhibition hall on his way home to us - dust, mold, ruffled feathers and all! It was very clear that before Alastair would be having any grand adventures, a proper cleaning and restoration was in order!