I am honored and pleased to have this opportunity to join my readership for Valentine’s Day. It is a fun time to celebrate the love in our lives – family, friends, spouses, partners, pet companions – whoever gets you going and brings light into your life. Since this day falls in the middle of a work week, I promise to keep this short and sweet so that you can get back to making your husband dinner, buying your wife flowers, giving your honey hen a much needed foot massage (here’s trying out my telepathy….Ken, Heather would love a foot massage…Heather would love a foot massage…)
Also, the picture to your right is a ring-necked male pheasant, like myself, calling out to his harem or hen. STELLA! STELLLLLLLLLAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!
Anyway! A couple questions have been brought to my attention that we need to tackle on this day of love. Hopefully, I can shed some light on the matter and make your day and your connection with your honey hen or rooster all that more divine.
1. My rooster/hen and I have been together for (insert howevermany) years. I cook, I clean, I slave. I’m partner, parent, pep squad. It is absolutely exhausting and he/she wonders why I don’t have the energy to have fun when we are together. How do I get my rooster/hen to help around the house?
See also… Why does my rooster throw his dirty clothes on the floor…NEXT TO the laundry hamper?!
This is one that I don’t have an immediate answer for, but had some fun researching. I asked a few roosters if they threw their clothes on the floor and if yes…why? I will share some of those answers here, but will not disclose which roosters contributed to them in an effort to protect the guilty!
ü Because I have hardwood floors and it is cheaper than buying an area rug!
ü Because the “maids” need to feel needed.
ü Because I was going to wear that again! If I put it in the hamper, it means it needs washed. If I put it on the floor, it means that it can be worn again!
ü Because my mom pampered me when I was a kid and my wife should do the same (I believe this one actually said “she’s my new mommy”).
ü Just because. This unnamed male actually asked me why a woman would even ask this question because he didn’t understand how picking up his dirty underwear off the floor was any different than picking it out of the laundry basket. I couldn’t help myself and responded that she wouldn’t have to bend over to pick it up and that she doesn’t necessarily have to touch it coming out of the basket because she can just dump it into the washer.
ü Because I just don’t care (about myself, about my partner, about our home, etc.)
Since I myself do not have the answer to this (other than that it is just sheer laziness), I decided to Google to see if I could find some scientific data on the matter. While nothing official and scientific came up, I was amused by an article on the matter that was posted to howtocleanstuff.net. This particular article said that getting your rooster to help out around the house (or pretty much do anything you want) can come about in a 3-step process or it would never happen. This process is rooted in the belief that roosters have 3-basic needs: Sex, Food and Audio-Visual Escape Mechanism (AVEM - TV or Video Games). It is also rooted in the 3-step strategy of barter, threaten and withhold any/all of these basic needs.
If I understood the process correctly, it goes something like this:
Step 1:
“Honey Rooster – if you take care of the dishes in the sink, I will do that thing you like in bed/make your favorite meal/let you play Call of Duty all day Saturday without complaint or interruption.”
If that doesn’t work, Step 2 is:
“Honey Rooster – if you don’t get your shoes out of the middle of the floor before I trip on them again, I’ll be wearing my Laura Ingalls nightgown and granny panties to bed/won’t go to the store and get your tasty snacks/put your Xbox in the AmVets donation pick-up this week.”
If that still doesn’t work, Step 3 is:
“Honey Rooster – if you don’t sweep the kitchen floor already, we’re never having sex again/you’re never eating again/I’m running over the 60-inch flat screen plasma TV with the Jeep!”
While the article was an absolute riot, I would say that – if you have to resort to this crazy theory – stay away from “withholding”. It never turns out the way we intend and makes things a whole heck of a lot worse. Unfortunately, it appears that it’s a shame we may have to live with this quirk from our partner. You don’t have to like it – or even tolerate it. Ultimately, your unhappiness will wear on the relationship and the issue will be forced to resolution – one way or the other (even if it is just to “get used to it”). See #2 for more on the matter.
2. How do I keep my rooster/hen happy?
For starters, see the answer to #1. Pitch in and help out. If you see your honey hen/rooster doing dishes, get up off the nest and offer to dry and put away. Surprise him/her by scrubbing down the toilet after you’ve done the unmentionable in it so they don’t have to clean up after your stanky behind (don’t forget to wipe down the toilet seat while you’re at it). If there is a stack of your laundry lovingly folded nice and neat waiting for you on the bed – put the clothes away immediately and without complaint.
Take time to notice how your partner is doing in life and figure out how you fit into what they are feeling. I had lunch with a group of women I greatly admire a few weeks ago and one of them told us that periodically she engages her husband in a conversation that starts out with “what can I bring to our partnership that would make life better for you?” The last time she asked, after some time and soul searching, he came back with the answer that if she could be on time when they had plans, he would greatly appreciate it and it would alleviate a great deal of stress. I asked her how that was going for them. She said that it is a constant challenge, but she respects that this is a source of stress for him and she has consciously made changes to her routine so that she does not keep him waiting or make him late for functions and outings they attend together. She also admitted that it was about time for her to initiate that conversation again…
Ultimately, the key to a satisfying and full relationship is to be a true partner. The hen/rooster in your life is not a convenient substitute for your mother. Heck, even your mother shouldn’t have absolved you of all responsibility, coddled and spoiled you! Show your hen or rooster that you value and care about your relationship. Show them that you have pride in the home and life you’ve built together. Pay attention to and do the little things along the way to show that you do not see your hen or rooster simply as housekeeper, cook, babysitter and/or counselor. Give back as good as you get. It will be amazing how much time and energy your hen or rooster would now have to go have fun as a couple – how much easier your partner will smile and let his/her feathers fluff down – when they aren’t living each day to prove they can “do it/be it” all!
Also, do not forget to display your gratitude. This hen/rooster loves you, cares for you and chooses every morning they wake up to have a life with you. Never forget that each day is a new day to make that choice (or to not make it). Say “please” and “thank you”. Say (and show) that you appreciate him/her. Take a moment every day to make sure that he/she knows just how much you love and respect them.
It is also important to spend time together. In this, it is not as much about the quantity of time you have together, but the quality of time you have together. Take opportunities to do something he/she loves to do. Take your chance to share activities that you like to do. Go out of your way to find activities that you like to do together as a couple. Get out of the house – blow some stink off that dusty old partnership! Take a walk together, go catch dinner at a quiet restaurant where you can talk or visit the local bowling alley to toss some of that life frustration down the lane. Stay in the house – wrap up with your honey in a blanket and watch that movie you never have time to see, sit on the porch and swing sipping a glass of wine together as the reel of life passes by or make a concentrated effort to make a meal together and share it over some smooth jazz and candle light.
It is very easy in the hustle and bustle of life at work, with family and daily responsibilities to lose sight of connecting with the one you love. Relationships are work. Hard work. It also requires that both members of the relationship contribute to the partnership and have their heart in the same place. Don’t forget to take time out for frequent “pulse checks”. Ultimately, every relationship is different and the “how to” keep your partner happy will be different from one couple to the next. However, if you keep the love, respect, compassion and consideration in your lives, you’ll have an awfully good start toward that end. This Valentine’s Day, make the commitment to re-commit to your relationship and to your partner. Celebrate your life and love every day. It is a very special thing!
Thank you for taking time out of your special day of love the tune in to Ask Alastair! Valentine’s Day Edition. May your day be filled with love and hope.
